Alone-With-My-Thoughts

At what age does the feeling of not belonging end? Feelings of people liking you but not enough to get close to you. Noone asking how your day is, what your hopes and dreams are and overall just wanting to get close enough to see beyond the surface. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a couple of really good friends that are genuine and that I so appreciate.

A guarded heart is deadly to a degree. Walls of Jericho continually are being built. I hate the feelings I have. I want to trust. I love, but, am so guarded that I’m afraid I come off as fake or unreachable. I guess I AM unreachable to a degree.

On the verge of one of the ugliest, deepest and much needed cries that I’ve ever had. Trying to keep anxiety at bay is becoming very challenging. Thoughts racing, heart pounding, tears trickle but not much more than a thimble full.

Everyone, including God feels like a million miles away. The thought of running away to an unknown area is becoming more of a reality than just a dream. Seclusion is safety right? I’m not sure about that but it’s what I always resort back to. One step forward, ten back.

Verification is reassurance but why? Insecurity? Afraid of making the wrong decision and then at some point having someone confirm that I should’ve done something different? Taking no steps is making a stand right? That’s not what I really think. I’ve pretty much always allowed my parents to make my life’s decisions. Yes even as an adult I try to make decisions that are pleasing to them. Not all of my decisions. Every now and then I set myself free to be. To live on the wild side so to speak. That’s not where I need to be. I need to be grounded in what I want out of life. Well whatever life I have left.

I feel lost. Making a difference has been my goal for as long as I can remember. Have I waited too late? Well the thought of that makes me disappointed in myself. Sad for sure. I am supposed to be strong for my kids. I’m failing them, especially my daughter. But, I’m tired. I want someone to be my knight and shining armor. That in itself, is delusional thoughts. I’ve went for what, 14 years from searching for that person. Why now? Seeking just to be seeking? Wanting to be rescued? Wanting to be accepted? Loved? Those thoughts. Bury them deep.

Visiting the ICU tonight brings me so much sadness. A life of what could’ve/should’ve been brings me to tears. More than a thimble full. Family. It’s all about family.