Alone-With-My-Thoughts

Do you often find yourself restless? Unable to concentrate? Unable to sleep or maybe even eat? Without a psychological degree, or any mental health degree for that matter, personal experiences have brought me to the conclusion of maybe it’s brain overload.

When caring for an ill loved one, you have to be very careful to not forget to take care of yourself. That’s a pretty simple solution right? It’s not for those that are/were born to be caregivers. I find that you have to methodically plan self care. It shouldn’t seem difficult but for me, it’s one of the more difficult challenges in life.

I was a babysitter for my siblings, sometimes the neighborhood kids (who would eventually become my inlaws), as well as helping to care for my maternal grandmother that lived with us most of my childhood and eventually my dad. My earliest memory of caregiving was at the age of 12 years old. In reality it probably started much earlier than that.

Taking care of yourself is one of the utmost important skills to learn early on. Giving guidance to younger individuals on their own self care is something that I wish would have been offered to me and is why I believe we owe it to others.

As I am awakened at 3 am with my thoughts, learning to mentally shut my brain down is something of late that I’m finding most difficult. It does give me the opportunity to think, reflect and rebuild myself in some ways. I’m frustrated with myself, my thoughts, my responses. I’m finding that each challenge is taking a little more out of me than I like. I’m finding myself to be vulnerable these days. I’m even more leary and critical than I have been. I cannot help from wondering if this stems from not being held safely most of my life.

When self care isn’t taught I think you want to rely on others for protection and when others fail you, you go into a fight for survival mode, so to speak. Always guarding your feelings. Often speaking out when silence is sometimes golden. (See previous blog) Finding safe spaces at any age can be difficult but as you get older, you learn the safe spaces are less likely. In creating my own space I have developed exhaustion. I hope in reading this, you are able to do differently.

I am beyond exhausted today. I find myself “just existing”. Not really functioning. I’m finding it difficult to pray, talk or do anything that requires much effort. I know this is the time God is carrying me. I have to release everything to him and have faith of where he is taking me during this process of growth. It’s scary. For me, removing any safety net is all about the fall until the rise. I don’t believe you can rise without falling at some point. I could be wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time.

In self care for a caregiver, you, at least I, feel like I’m not worth the care, I’m not honoring what God has ordered us to do, I’ll do that later. I’m learning that not to be the case. Loving yourself should come first. It’s easy to fall back into that habit. I’m sure I will many times but, I’m trying. I hope these blogs are helpful if to noone other than myself. Often for me, I can’t find my voice until I write/type it out. Happy reading.